Tag Archives: Breastfeeding

Thank You, Target

3 May

I don’t shy away from nursing in public, for a host of reasons.  Mostly? I’m just feeding my baby.  And I’m not about to put the discomfort of a few strangers above the needs of my child.  But since Bean is 16 months old, she doesn’t often need to nurse while we’re out and about.

Today was a different story.  No matter how many times I offered a sippy and no matter how many toy aisles we walked down, she desperately wanted to nurse in Target, in the middle of our shopping trip.  She signed for milk half a dozen times, but it was when she signed “please,” that I finally paused my shopping to indulge her.

I found a quiet spot behind the children’s clothes and plopped myself down on the ground near the stroller display.  A Target employee came over to ask if I was okay, uncertain why I was sitting on the carpet.  When she noticed I was nursing, I braced to defend myself.

And then she said, “There’s a rocking chair on the endcap where you’ll be more comfortable.  Do you want to move there?” I thanked her and assured her I was fine, finished nursing Bean, and went about my shopping.

I’ve only ever had two strangers address me while breastfeeding.  I’m fortunate that they have both been kind.  And this?  This was exactly how a nursing mother wants to be (and should be) treated when nursing her child, especially by a store employee.

Target has gotten a bad rap in the last few years for their treatment of nursing mothers.  And if I had been treated poorly today, you’d better believe I’d share.  But I bet there are many positive stories, too, and I wanted to be a part of accentuating the positive.

Thank you, Target.  Your team member treated me with kindness and respect.  I really appreciated it.  I hope this is a sign of progress in your company since November of 2011.

Also?  You’re welcome for the $120 I ended up spending despite my short shopping list.  You win.  Again.

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And then I shared my boobs with the internet…

25 Jan

I never imagined that I would find myself  nursing past a year, nursing uncovered in public, or advocating for breastfeeding.  And I certainly didn’t expect to write about it or post pictures of myself nursing on the internet for all to see.  And yet here I am. And I’m somewhere in this photo set from Gina’s 72 hour Facebook photo ban campaign.  And if you follow me on instagram, chances are you’ve gotten a few peeks, too.  So why am I sharing something I had always considered so private?

It’s been a hard road breastfeeding this baby toddler, but one I’m so glad to be traveling.  From dairy intolerance, to oversupply and overactive letdown, to thrush, to sleep deprivation, the struggle has been intense but the the payoff is enormous. Sleepy milk-drunk newborn smiles… snuggles given freely after a morning nurse… watching the numbers on the scale grow because of your milk… the first time my baby signed for milk… being physically connected to my baby long after she has left the womb.  And of course the health benefits of breastfeeding for both mother and child are well-researched and well-documented.  Breastmilk is alive – full of antibodies, cells, and proteins.  Breastfeeding has nurtured me and my baby for the last 12 months.

Let me say that though the benefits are great, breastfeeding or breast milk is not best for every baby-mother pair.  Maybe a mother tries to nurse and has to stop because of supply issues, medication incompatibility, depression, her baby’s needs, or any one of dozens of reasons.  Maybe she knows from the get-go that breastfeeding isn’t a match for her parenting style or lifestyle.  Perhaps she just doesn’t want to.  I fully support each mother’s choice to make such a personal decision for herself, and I truly understand why formula or bottle feeding moms sometimes feel defensive when faced with a statement such as “breast is best” or when a mother is nursing, uncovered, in front of her.  After all, my first attempt to breastfeed fell apart (which ended up being the best thing for both of us) after a few months and I remember not understanding why breastfeeding moms thought what they were doing was so special.  Now that I’ve been nursing for over a year?  I get it.  It can be magical.

Am I a better mother because I breastfeed my baby?  Of course not.  Just as a mother who carries her baby in her womb is not a better mother than one who adopts or uses a surrogate.  Being a mother is about more than where your child comes from or how they are fed.  But just because it doesn’t define me as a mother doesn’t make it unimportant or any less beautiful.  Carrying my babies in my body felt empowering, and similarly, breastfeeding No2 has been a life-changing experience.

And so, I choose to share.  I want to support mothers who are considering nursing or are currently trying to breastfeed their babies…I want to normalize something that carries stigma in our culture…and to celebrate checking something off my life-list.  It’s been an enormous part of my daily life for the last 13 months and I don’t think this space would be complete without its story.

 

By the way, this is what breasfeeding uncovered usually looks like for us. Nothin' to see here, folks. ;)

By the way, this is what breasfeeding uncovered usually looks like for us. Nothin’ to see here, folks. ;)

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Breastfeeding on Psychotropic Medication

24 Oct

Nearly four months ago, I wrote about meeting my goal of breastfeeding for six months.  Now, No2 is almost 10 months old and we’re still going strong.  In fact, we’ve moved past the awkward “I can’t be bothered to nurse when there are sights to see and sounds to hear and kitty ears to grab” and No2 actually wants to relax and nurse.  It’s a sure-fire cure for the 5pm cranks and is a lovely way to wake up in the morning.  She’s even mastered nursing discreetly in the ergo carrier, which has made getting No1 to ballet class and preschool field trips a bit less intimidating.  I’m truly enjoying it.

It’s not without its costs, though.  If I have even one cookie baked with any milk products, she cries all night with stomach cramps.  So I’ve been completely dairy-free for 6 months now.  She’s still nursing twice at night, I think mostly just for comfort.  While I’d love to sleep for more than 5 hours at a time, it’s actually working for us (or maybe it’s just so much better than it was that the bar is absurdly low).  And then there’s the impact on my mental illness.

Many medications are compatible with breastfeeding, but unfortunately the mood stabilizer I was on before getting pregnant with No2 is not one of them.  It was a great med for me – low side effects, extremely effective at a low/medium dose, and I really felt like myself.  It managed the anxiety and the PMDD and eliminated the roller coaster of hormone-induced emotions.  When I discovered I was pregnant, I (with my doctors) made the choice to switch to a medication that was safer and better-researched during pregnancy: an SSRI combined with an as-needed anti-anxiety medication.  I truly believe these medications have helped me to have a different postpartum experience with this baby, and contributed to my healing birth experience.  Still, I am not 100% myself.  The medication handles about 80% of the PPOCD and anxiety symptoms, and I (along with my husband) am left to cope with the remaining struggle.  It’s not ideal and it is a decision that weighs heavily on me as I continue to nurse.

The bottom line is that I’ve chosen to stay on this medication regimen to facilitate breastfeeding.  Here’s why:

1. Though I am not symptom-free, I am not experiencing the red-flag symptoms (rage, inability to sleep, intrusive thoughts) that would send me back to my doctors for re-evaluation.  I feel like myself.

2. I have no hard evidence that the mood stabilizer would be the magic bullet this time.  My situation, stresses, and life are so different now than they were before getting pregnant with No2.  At that time, I was sleeping 10 hours straight each night, working out 4 times a week, and had only one child, and was working only 3 hours a week. Given the same factors now, the SSRI may work just as well.

3. Breastfeeding contributes to my happiness and is a time of meditation and relaxation for me.  This wasn’t always true.  I fought tooth and nail to get to this point, but now that I’ve made it, I don’t want to give it up.  I also believe that breastfeeding is the best option for my daughter, who suffers from a milk-soy protein intolerance.  And while she would absolutely be fine on formula, I’m thrilled she’s getting all the health benefits of being breastfed.

4. Changing medications is a long and sometimes difficult process.  Weaning from my current SSRI and tapering up to an therapeutic dose of the mood stabilizer  would mean weeks of side effects and emotional symptoms.  I’m mostly stable these days and not exactly excited to sign up for that little adventure.

I’m not advocating that everyone limit their medications in order to breastfeed.  I did not nurse my first past a few months.  There were some medical reasons, but honestly, when I stopped nursing her, I felt a huge sense of relief.  Breastfeeding was an intense trigger for my PPA with No1 and I am still so glad I decided to formula-feed her.  It was the best decision for both of us.

While I wish everyone could enjoy the benefits of nursing, it’s a personal decision that each mom (with her doctors and family) must make for herself.  Hell, sometimes it’s not even a decision – may mothers cannot breastfeed.  Instead of adding to the “you must breastfeed to be a good mom” lies, I simply want to tell my story in the hopes that it will help new mothers understand all their options.  Because you do have options, and no matter what you choose, your physical and mental well-being need to factor in.

More information on breastfeeding, PPD, and medications can be found below.  And as always, this blog is a memoir of sorts and is not intended to replace the advice of your doctor.

Dr. Hale’s Keynote Address to LLL in 2002 on treating PPD in breastfeeding mothers

Katherine Stone writes about why expectations to breastfeed can weigh PPD sufferers down

Mass General’s Center for Women’s Mental Health on Breastfeeding and Medications

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The Best of Both

5 Aug

She lies in my lap,

The crook of my arm too hot, too restrictive,

Her ear presses into my palm

As I take the weight of her head in my hand.

 

We rock

Back and forth to the rhythm of my breath,

As she rejects her plastic soother

And seeks the warmth of mother’s breast.

 

Where once she drowned,

Now she greedily takes in the abundance of milk.

Reaching for the familiar silver dangling from my neck,

She gets down to the business of nursing.

 

Her fingers gently tousle the small leaves

Hanging from a silver branch,

Until they catch a strand of hair

And are no longer gentle.

 

She stops drinking to look behind her,

Lest she be missing something exciting

Like a clown parade, a balloon release,

Or just her sister.

 

Confident we are alone,

She turns back,

Latches on more deeply,

And closes her eyes in contentment.

 

I breathe and rock,

And let the calm wash over me,

The practical overlaps with the intimate,

Breastfeeding becomes the best of both.

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Six Months of Breastfeeding, Baby!

15 Jun

Breastfeeding No1 was a disaster.  Milk allergy, improper latch, nippleshield, clogged ducts, projectile vomiting, PPD…you name it?  We suffered through it.  For three long months.  And I have a perfectly healthy evil genius bright little girl on my hands now.

So when No2 was born, I knew that if I had to bottle feed, that she (and I) would eventually be okay.  But secretly, knowing this would be my last baby and my last chance to breastfeed, I wanted to be successful more than anything.  I dug my heels in and fought to nurse No2 week by week, day by day.  Some days, I could only go feed by feed.  Though massive overactive letdown and oversupply, milk protein imbalance, reflux, and milk protein intolerance, I nursed.

And somewhere along the way, it stopped being so hard.  We still face our challenges – my oversupply is still rampant (medication-induced) but No2 manages the letdown better now that she’s older.  I’m on a restricted diet that prevents me from eating any dairy or soy (I would kill for a slice of cheese these days), but have gotten pretty used to it.  Thankfully Oreos are dairy-free.  And because nursing has never been relaxing for No2, she doesn’t really comfort nurse.  She eats when she’s hungry and that’s it.

But I’ll take it.

Because it means no bottle prep at 3 in the morning.  I carry her food around with me everywhere (even if she’s too distracted to eat when we’re out).  It means I get to snuggle her  against my skin and give her something no one else can.  My breastmilk has grown this baby from day one and there’s something amazing about that.

Before breastfeeding, I never understood why mothers were so proud of something that could be replicated by science and a bottle.  But I get it now.  Breastfeeding is hard.  It’s challenge-ridden.  It’s not just as simple as “stick boob in mouth.”  Instead, it’s a relationship between mother and child – a conversation.  I am proud not because I think breastfeeding No2 makes me a superior mother – each family and mother has to decide what works best for them – but instead because I set out to do something challenging and have done it.  I never thought I would make it to six months breastfeeding.  Now I can’t wait to get to twelve.

I never would have gotten this far without help and inspiration from these folks.  I thank you.  My baby thanks you.  What an amazing gift your help has given to us both.

Gina at The Feminist Breeder for her timely post on oversupply which gave me hope, helped me troubleshoot, and let me know I wasn’t a freak.

@SigningCharity for cheering me on and sharing with me what a joy breastfeeding was for her.

@Story3Girl for supporting me 110% when I was making tough decisions, no matter what the outcome.

@JamesandJax for helping me find support online and celebrating the good days with me.  And for sharing her story about breastfeeding difficulties.

@jenrenpody for sharing her experience with nippleshields and getting me though a difficult week.

My good friend Melissa @sweetlyvoiced for her practical wisdom and calm reactions to my “crises”.

Nancy Holtzman (@nancyholtzman), baby guru and IBCLC for chatting with a stranger on twitter for an hour to help me with oversupply solutions.

My local bestie Jessica for beaming with pride every time she saw me nurse the baby, and for helping me stay focused on keeping my happiness in every decision I had to make.

@Hopin2BHappy for the “milking stool”. ;)

@velveteenmama for the allergy information and making mspi dieting sound doable.

And my husband for supporting me even though it has meant he has to get up more at night, expensive (and yummy) food from Whole Foods, and some very emotional moments.

I’m sure I’m forgetting someone.  So thank you.  Truly.

UPDATE:

Yup, I forgot someone important.  @smldada?  Thank you for being around at all hours of the night and for keeping me company!  All your advice helped so much!

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Things I’ve Learned

23 Mar

Inspired by my friend Yuz at Not Just About Wee.

It’s funny to wake up one day and realize you are the mom. No longer the child craving adulthood, the college kid denying it, you finally have to admit that the sign your mom had hanging in her kitchen saying “By the time you are old enough to realize your mother was right, you have children who think you are wrong,” speaks the truth.  And all the things you thought you knew have changed.  Having kids changes you, changes your priorities, changes your experiences.  I’m glad to say I know more now that I’m in my thirties and a mom of two.  And I can assert with confidence that when I’m 40, all this will change again.

What I’ve Learned:

  • The phrase “sleeping like a baby” is full of crap. I’m sleeping like a baby right now and it sucks.  I’m up every two hours.
  • You love your kids with a fierceness that can be frightening and exhilarating.
  • Babies are helpless. Really helpless.
  • Marriage is a partnership – it will not always be fun but if you choose the right person, you will fight through the trenches together and come out the other side better for it.
  • You can be friends with people you’ve never met.  Good friends, who you share your deepest secrets with.
  • Vulnerability makes you stronger.
  • When you have kids, you end up throwing away a ton of food.
  • Breastfeeding is a relationship. It’s a conversation between mother and child. It can’t be forced but perseverance pays off.
  • It’s okay for moms (and dads) to need a break from their kids.  Healthy even.
  • With kids, everything is a phase.  Even the good stuff.
  • Toddlers love water. A sink full of water and Dawn is good for two hours of fun.
  • I crave control. Having kids is an exercise in chaos. It’s okay to still be learning how to cope with this conflict.
  • You have to learn how to trust your gut as a parent. And that your kids will show you what they need.
  • I am guilty of passive aggressive loud diaper changing at 2am when I’m the only person awake. This is immature.  I’m not sure I can stop it.
  • Antidepressants are not “happy pills”. They are “let you be yourself pills”.  And being yourself makes you happy.
  • It’s okay to need help. It’s even better to ask for it.

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Breast is Best

17 Mar

Breastfeeding was a nightmare with my first daughter.  We started off 12 hours behind as she spent time in the NICU with oxygen to clear the fluid from her lungs and antibiotic injections for the high white cell count.  By the time I got her, she had been poked and prodded, pacified, and given formula.  Adding latch issues and a nippleshield to the mix at the hospital left me feeling completely incompetent.  When she began violently vomiting entire feeds several times a day we suspected milk allergy.  When she arched and screamed at every meal she was diagnosed with reflux.  And when it all became too much and I had dealt with mastitis and painful clogged ducts for three months, we switched to formula.  Her pediatrician looked me in the eye and suggested I stop nursing, I was relieved.  I needed someone to give me permission to stop.  Because otherwise it felt like giving up.  I remember sitting in a rocking chair with No1 and sobbing, “I’m so sorry.  I just can’t do it any more.  I tried but I just can’t.”  I felt like a failure.

As it turns out, formula feeding her was exactly what we both needed.  It relieved so much of the anxiety that was crushing me in those early months.  She became healthy and happy.  Feedings were no longer battles that dominated the day and set the mood each night.  Life went on without breastfeeding for us.  Now she is an amazing three year old who has only ever had one ear infection.  She can correctly pronounce the names of two dozen dinosaurs and give you their characteristics.  She loves her mom and knows she is loved.  Formula both fed AND nurtured her.

When asked while I was pregnant about breastfeeding, my answer was always, “I’d like to try but I’m open to whatever will be best for both the baby and me.”  And I meant it.  At least I thought I did.

No2′s birth was amazing.  I really need to write her birth story up before I forget the details.  She was placed on my chest immediately, spent no time away from us, and roomed with me for our entire hospital stay (minus a few visits to the nursery for weigh ins and pediatric screenings).  When I put her to my breast moments after her birth, she suckled – and my heart soared.  By the time we left the hospital, my milk had already come in and two lactation consultants had visited and told me how amazingly we were nursing.  It felt like a whole new beginning.

And for two weeks, she nursed and slept like a dream baby.  I was relaxed and easy with her; amazed at the bond I felt so quickly.  Then the screaming began.  You know the scream: ear-shattering.  She gasped for air in-between sobs and whimpered in her sleep.  And despite the commonly accepted wisdom that “babies cry” and “colic has no cure”, I knew my baby was in pain.  When she started having green, foamy stools and the pediatrician was at a loss, I turned to the internet.  Kellymom.com had my answer.  Milk imbalance.  I overproduce milk and baby was only getting the watery fore milk, making her gassy and crampy.  I began pumping a few ounces before nursing her, block fed, and felt convinced I had my answer.

And she got better.  A little.  Until she got worse.  She would spend an entire day refusing to eat more than a small snack.  She would scream if I positioned her for a feed.  The only time she would nurse without a struggle was at night.  I exhausted all of my options (I know…I should have gone in MUCH sooner.  It shouldn’t have been a last option.  I kept thinking it was getting better.  Doh.)  and finally went in to see a lactation consultant.  I had spoken over the phone several times with her but it was time to let her watch for herself.  And she was immediately convinced No2 was suffering from reflux. Cue the giant (ironic?) sigh of relief.

I’m happy to say that after over a week on reflux medication, things are looking up.  She’s even started handling the fast flow more easily and occasionally stops to smile at me while nursing.  I’m hopeful we’ll have a long and successful breastfeeding relationship.

Here’s the thing…When things were really bad, I seriously considered quitting.  I had nothing to prove to anyone and know from experience that a formula-fed baby can be healthy and happy.  But I wasn’t ready to give up.  Friends and family encouraged me to listen to my gut and reassured me that they would stand behind whatever decision I made ( have some kick-ass friends and family).  And a few well-meaning people told me that bottle-feeding was just as good as breastfeeding.  But the truth is, it’s not.  Formula feeding my children was (and will be) always a second choice…a Plan B.

I think it’s incredibly important not to judge or shame mothers who formula feed.  It makes me sick when I read ignorant posts equating formula to junk food (They’re out there.  Don’t go searching for them…it’ll only piss you off, too).  Each mother chooses what is best for her baby and herself, and should be able to feed and nuture her baby without judgement from others.  PhD in Parenting wrote a brilliant piece recently on the new APA’s new statement that breastfeeding is a public health issue and not only a lifestyle choice.

Please click over and go read it – she has some great points about why moms get defensive when told that “breast is best” and compares the recommendations to things like the food pyramid and exercise recommendations. I could go on and on, but she really says everything that needs to be said.

My decision to continue breastfeeding isn’t stubbornness.  It isn’t selfish (as one of my nurses recently suggested, telling me I might need to “give up what I want and do what’s best for the baby” because nursing was difficult).  And it isn’t simply a lifestyle choice.  Breastmilk is medically superior to formula.  And when I say that, I truly mean no disrespect to moms who have supplemented or have used formula exclusively.  I am merely giving my reason for fighting so hard to make it work.

I’m proud to have breastfed 11 weeks.  It’s been a ton of work and I’m very fortunate to have both the resources and support to continue to work through the challenges.  Does it make me a better mom than one who formula-feeds her baby?  Of course not.  But it does make me the best mom I can be for my baby and our particular situation.  So I will continue advocating for it, knowing that my friends and family will continue to support me. More importantly, I’m done letting others (like my doctors) minimize its importance.

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Panic Attack

24 Feb

Two nights ago, I had a panic attack. It was the baby’s 11:45 feeding and halfway through, my entire body got clammy and my stomach began doing flips. In a flash, I could not get the baby off of me fast enough. I needed space. Space to breathe, with no one touching me. I wanted to scream and cry. To shake or squeeze something and I knew that something wasn’t the baby. So I passed her off to Hubs and rushed to the bathroom to sit by the toilet, my head spinning in confusion and panic.

I hoped, “maybe I just have the stomach flu.”. I don’t think I’ve *ever* wished for the stomach flu before. Or maybe it was just the 17 Oreos and the Taco Bell teaching me a lesson. But I couldn’t shake an underlying anger and panic. Irrational and uncontrollable. And the thought of not wanting to hold my beautiful baby? Tortured me.

As I paced to the spare room, the thoughts bombarded me. What if I just stop feeding her. What if we just give her away. Surely somebody else would be a better mom. What if she had never been born? What if I hadn’t passed her off and I did shake her?

Each thought ripped me apart and the panic was overwhelming. I called to hubs and sat for a moment, trying to press myself to speak my truth. “I’m having a panic attack and intrusive thoughts and I can’t be near the baby right now. I’m scared and feel out of control. I think you’re going to have to stay home tomorrow. Please don’t leave me with the kids all alone.”. He put his hand on my shoulder, pressing firmly. “It’s okay honey. I hear you. I’m going to help you.”. Those words snuck through the cracks in the panic. They were exactly what I needed to hear. I lay down in the guest bed and slept, glad to stretch out in a silent space on my own.

When the baby became hungry a couple of hours later, he brought her to me. I took her as if on autopilot and nursed her while hubs lay next to me. He took her back to our bedroom when she was done, leaving me in peace. The next feed was a bit easier and I found myself snuggling her tiny fuzzy head with my chin. And by 5 am, I actually wanted to hold her again.

She slept snuggled next to me from 6:30 to 8:00 while the toddler played in her room, bribed with the promise of toys if she would just stay in her room and let mommy and daddy sleep a little while longer. Baby’s sweet little breaths on my chest helped soothe me back to sleep.

By morning, things were normal again. Although still overwhelmed with the care of a screamy newborn and a evil genius in training 3 year old, I could smile at each of them, even giggle at their antics. During the day, I went to two doctors appointments, the post office, and the pharmacy. I taught a piano lesson and I cooked dinner. I did more than just survive.

I want to be anxiety-free. I want to handle all these hurdles with grace and composure. But since that’s not in the cards, I’m going to settle for being proud of myself for handling the anxiety rationally and calmly. I asked for help, called doctors and friends, shared publicly to alienate any shame, and followed through with my plans.

I’m scared this means the PPA is back. I’m terrified it might be accompanied by some OCD, which I’m not as armed to fight. But I’m holding off on the overreacting. It has been 8 weeks of difficult breastfeeds. Of a screaming baby and tantruming toddler. Any mom would be stressed, and with my history of anxiety, it’s not surprising that I finally cracked under all the pressure. I have a feeling it wasn’t the last anxiety attack or bad night I will have. But whatever the case, I know this is acute and temporary. I will be okay. I’m sure of it.

P.s. a HUGE thank you to my twitter mamas for texting, messaging, and calling to check on me. Thanks to my friends and family for sending your love and understanding. I’m truly so fortunate to have you all helping me fight.

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