I used to have to do everything perfectly.
So I learned how to do everything well enough.
Then I learned how to do just some things.
These days, I’d take anything.
I’m really struggling with how little gets accomplished around here these days. All of a sudden, my anxiety is back with unwelcome company… postpartum OCD.
I want to take apart the kitchen cabinet that houses the bottles and reorganize everything – daily. Each bottle has a corresponding-colored top and it’s driving me literally nuts that they aren’t matched up, but I’m consciously avoiding fixing them.
The bottles work fine mismatched. Breathe.
A load of laundry is overwhelming – all that washing and drying and folding.
It’s just laundry. Take your time.
And deep down, I feel like if I could just get the house spotless, I would be a better mom.
Your kids will never remember the messy house. It is clean enough.
I obsess over how much No2 nurses. It never seems like enough.
She will nurse when she is hungry. She’s growing like a weed and obviously eats just what she needs.
But the worst part is the intrusive thoughts. The thoughts make me feel unworthy, insecure, tense. I feel so angry at nothing…everything.
You cannot always choose your thoughts and feelings but you can choose not to believe the story they tell you.
I know I will be better. I know that this is acute, treatable, and temporary. And I know that these thoughts and obsessions aren’t me. But it hurts. And it’s hard to battle every day.
The anxiety and OCD whisper, “Don’t tell anyone – they’ll think you’re a bad mom. Look how great everything is – they’ll never understand.”
Mental illness clouds rational thinking. Tell someone. Scream it from the rooftops. You are not alone.
I will not let shame bury me.